But where's my paddle?
What am I talking about-the freakin' creek is FROZEN!
It's a balmy 12 degrees in sunny Kentucky this morning. There is frost inside my windshield and my disgusted husband has just counseled me about having the gas tank on empty when the necessity for warming up the van is called for.
I decided to take the van out for a spin yesterday. So, I did. I moved from the curb until the tires encountered ice and spun so wildly against it that there was smoke. Or some vaporous substance from outside.
My neighbor who was out in his front yard smoking a cigarette quietly put out his cancer stick and went in his house. I guess he was afraid I'd skate across the ice and crush him with my mini-van of terror or else I might ask him to help me.
I thought about calling the police, but figured they had more important things to do than help an idiot Alabamian who was so far out of her cotton field and magnolia element it would bring tears to your eyes. I called my husband who is in the middle of an important business meeting. He suggested cat litter and salt.
It is a much longer story after the phone call, so I'll sum up:
*The van did not slide into any other vehicles or slide down our hill into the intersection into traffic.
*There is about ten pounds of salt on our road ready to be washed into the Ohio River at the next thaw so it can kill a bunch of fish.
*The van IS in its regular parking spot on the curb (sort of) but its stuck again.
*My leather gloves have drawn up. They are in perpetual claws-drawn-coming-at-you mode. What's that about? Did the salt make them shrink? They are lined!! And they're too small now. I attempt to put them on, but they are just too small. I have a flashback to Johnny Cochrane and consider that if the sodium from lots of blood was on a pair of gloves it also would make them shrink.
OH MY GOSH!!! Do you know what this means??!!! I have new evidence!!!! I can finally put that guy behind bars!!
Oh, Come on!!!!
Okay, let me get this straight. He kills two people and gets away with it, but he finally goes to prison for kidnapping while retrieving football memorabilia?
I'm calling Johnny Cochrane.
I have got to get out more.
Unfortunately, my freakin' van is on empty and its iced in.
Oh, well. At least we're done with the snow. As soon as we have a couple of warm days I'll be...