So, I went to the store this morning to do some Christmas shopping. As I walked down the Barbie aisle, I smiled when I saw this:
How cute! Elvis and Pricilla on their wedding day. See Pricilla's big, big black hair. See the slight sneer on Elvis' face. See how tons of money can never buy you good taste, if the jungle room at Graceland is any indication. See how Elvis' freakiness was just too much for Pricilla. Lisa Marie. Prescription meds. Death in the bathroom. Pricilla demonstrates great wisdom in managing the legacy. And is pretty darn funny in those movies with Leslie Neilson.
Then I saw this:
Also cute. I remember this episode. That Lucy and her friend Ethel were always getting in trouble, were they not? You never hear much about little Ricky these days. I guess he's staying out of trouble and doing okay. The prices on these special edition dolls are exhorbitant, but I'm sure Barbie is wisely marketing to the old fogies like me who were actually alive when Elvis and Lucy were. My daughter is not a Barbie fan, much to my dismay. One of the reasons to have a kid is so you can get by with playing with their toys. I just get strange looks when I pull out the Barbies she neglects.
My kid is not really a Bratz fan, either, though I think Bratz has honed in on Barbie. Maybe I've discouraged her from liking Bratz, but they're heads are so dang big. And their lips. I'm sorry, but it's obvious those lips were collagen injections and I just don't think dolls ought to be doing that kind of thing. Or people, for that matter. If I had any doubt that Barbie had decided to market to us old codgers, this erased them.
Are you ready?
It's disturbing. Like the car wreck with the bodies laid out on the pavement. It's horrific, and yet you can't look away.
Here it is:
Yes. The Hitchcock Barbie. Barbie is tastefully dressed in a smart lime green business suit. Notice the stylish blonde hairdo. We all know Hitch loved his blonde bombshells. Notice the bird caught in her hair as it attempts to peck her eyes out. The crow with its claws clasped to her skirt ready to bloody her thigh is also a great accessory. And doesn't the big guy on her shoulder just scream "nevermore" to you?
If it hadn't been fifty dollars, I would have been tempted to buy it so I could go around showing people and asking, "Can anyone explain to me what the heck is going on with Barbie?"
Shall I expect a naked Janet Lee Barbie in the shower with chocolate syrup in the bottom of the tub with Norman Bates-dressed-as-his-mom Barbie posed prettily with butcher knife in the air? I know the Barbie people considered this, if they have the freakin' Birds Barbie on the Wal-Mart shelf.
Can I please, please have a Jamie Lee Curtis barbie running from a Michael Myers Barbie? That would be so cool as I act out some of the awesome classics of my time. Or, how about a Silence of the Lambs Barbie with Jodie Foster in her cool FBI uniform and Hannibal Lector with his mask thingy and his straight jacket. The white fluffy dog named "Precious", a moth, and psycho transexual serial killer are sold separately.