Have you met Bob?

Before I get started good, take a peek over to the right and you'll see a blue button about me being a participant at the long and short of it. This is a month-long contest hosted by thelongandshortofitreviews.com and 30 comedy authors. Each author is taking a day to give away a prize. So, go to the blue button over there (to the right) and click on it all month long! Basically, you'll meet some funny authors, answer a question for a chance to win a prize EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

Ready to learn about getting "taken care of" in rural Ohio?

Here we go!

Years and years ago my grandpa-in-law would take the hogs to Bob Evans Farms to be "taken care of". They would give him the option of getting paid for the soon-to-be-sausage or getting stock in Bob Evans Farms. You know, Bob and company were going places, and who wouldn't want to be in on that? Apparently my grandpa-in-law. Still, it is cool to think about hogs tended at the hand of a relative had a part (or parts-ha!) in building up the business of meats and restaurants in this part of the country.

This week I went to a Bob Evans restaurant

And fell in love

with their roast beef sandwich.

Have you ever tried it? It's about the best sandwich I've had in a long time. And I love sandwiches, so I ought to know.

This is how it happened. I was meeting a colleague there for lunch. As is my practice, I was late. This is one of my "I really need to work on this" ways of life. I hate being late. It stresses me to be late. It bothers other people when I'm late. Yet...I'm late. So, while I was busy being late and steaming at every red light which caught me, my soon-to-be eating companion was watching all the yummy dishes go by her. When I finally did arrive, she expressed her intention to get one of the "bad for me" platters, but chickened out and got the vegetable soup. In kind, I also backed off from getting the whole roast beef sandwich to a half with a salad. The pulled beef was served on thick toasted bread and had grated carrots in the sandwich. I wasn't sure about it, until I tasted it, and my taste buds squealed, "Thank you! Oh, thank you!"

A very good choice, as even the half sandwich was quite a lot. And I've lost about five pounds in the two weeks since some health issues surfaced in our household so I guess I am being a little smarter about some things.

When I commented to the waitress (or I guess the politically correct term is now "server") about it, she said it was one of their most popular sandwiches and you can get it with mashed potatoes and gravy. Might one then open up the sandwich and pile on the pototatoes and gravy for kind of a southern Dagwood type meal? I was on the verge of going into a cuisine-induced trance just considering the roast beef sandwich smothered with taters-n-gravy. Drool was dripping. It was pretty disgusting from my meal buddy's point of view, I'm sure. I didn't know her very well so she hasn't come to appreciate my quirkiness or my enthusiasm for...well...food.

But we all have to pay our dues, so to speak. And as I am on the backside of thirty, it is time to put away the young adult eating habits (which I said I would put away at twenty-five, but what can I say? I have always been a late bloomer) and start eating in moderation and taking into consideration that I do not like to exercise and I do not want to have to start shopping in the plus size department.

My strategy? Love the sandwich, but stick with the half. And only go to visit Bob occasionally.

But, oh what a lovely sandwich it was. I may even have to pull the unrequited love thing, and love it from afar. It shall be a tragic love story in which we only have a few stolen moments together throughout our lifetimes. I shall wax poetically about it, and compose sonnets. At some point I will think about cutting off my ear. But my family will have me committed without any access to sharp objects or meaty sandwiches. In desperation, I will call Dr. Phil and appear on his show. With the guidance of Dr. Phil, I will deal with my roast beef issues and write a book about it. A New York Publisher will buy it and FINALLY! my book will have its own cardboard stand at the front of the bookstore. However, the publisher partners with Bob Evans for $2.00 off coupon with every book. I have a relapse and buy out all of the roast beef sandwiches from three restaurants blowing my entire royalty check and going into a cholesterol coma.

Whew! Don't I have a tragic life?