Sounding off

It was the week before Thanksgiving when the local radio station began playing Christmas music. On principle, I refused to listen until after Thanksgiving. On principle I refuse to buy anything Christmas related until after that fourth Thursday in November. I do not like to be rushed.

But when Thanksgiving was past, I turned the knob on. I love Christmas music. Let me clarify that. I love some Christmas music. However there are a few songs being played ad nauseum which are getting on my last nerve.

Here is my "Wish I didn't have to hear this" list:

1. The Christmas shoes. Does this song make you want to slit your wrists or what?

2. Any Christmas song by The Beach Boys. Sorry, but I'm not a big fan anyway. I mean "Little Old Lady from Pasedena"? They should have been banned from ever singing again when that little ditty came out. And every woman in 49 states should be offended by "California Girls". People, do you listen to the lyrics? Their "Merry Christmas, Baby" is just irritating. Read a verse:

I made my mistake but
I'm willing to wake up
And never mess around anymore
Oh why did we break up?
There's still time to make up
If just for Christmas

HELLOOOO! "Why did we break up?" PLEASE! Perhaps it has something to do with this line "I'm willing to wake up and never mess around anymore."

3. Any version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" except for the Muppet version, and that is even pushing it.

Before I get to #4, I have to put in a plea or a disclaimer to my good friend Leona because it's her boyfriend singing it.
Leona, I'm sorry but I'm so sick of this song! They play it, like, fifty times a day here.
4. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen. It's cute when he's talking about the band being good, Clarence getting a new sax, endearing when he laughs because somebody is "ho, ho, hoing" but MUST WE HEAR IT EVERY FREAKING MOMENT??!!!

5. "Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley. Again with the repetition. Why? Why must we hear it over and over? Did not Elvis sing any other Christmas songs?

6. Actually, now that I think about it, any version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" bugs me. Is anyone else disturbed by these uplifting words? "You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town." Do you see the problem here? We are being threatened by Santa Claus. He is "making a list, checking it twice, going to find out who's naughty and nice." How dumb are kids? Not very. That is why threatening them does not work. They know they're getting the toys no matter what. They were bad last year. They still got toys. And when they go see Santa, they lie. I've seen the little angels do it. "Have you been good?" "Yes." What? No, he hasn't. Don't believe him, Santa. He, in fact, got in trouble only moments ago. I tell my kids, "Getting presents has nothing to do with you being good or bad. I know this from personal experience. I was bad. I got presents every single Christmas morning."

7. Most versions of "The Little Drummer Boy." I think this song bugs me because I can't think of any baby who would not cry at the continuous rat-a-tat-tatting or, I guess I should say rum-ba-bum-bumming of a drum. Jesus was a baby. Babies don't like loud noises. Please don't disturb the baby Jesus, little boy. If you want to make yourself useful, go take the cow over there for a walk. It is lowing, and keeping the baby awake.

Which brings me to:

8. The third verse of "Away in a Manger" - "The cattle are lowing the poor baby wakes, but little Lord Jesus no crying he makes." Where is that exactly in the Bible? I don't remember reading that the baby Jesus didn't cry. The other verses don't bother me.

9. "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" - This song just goes to show how petty and superficial reindeer are. The other reindeer are an exclusive clique. They refuse to let Rudolf in their "club" because of a perceived imperfection. I'm sorry, but if they only love him because his glowing nose made him the lead deer, then I want to say, "Rudolf, you can do a lot better than that as far as friends go. Stick with that dentist elf. He seems goofy, but I think he is a true friend."

10. "Santa Baby" - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the true meaning of Christmas right here. Getting a lot of crap that you don't need. Flirting sexually with an old man so he can be your sugar daddy.

So, how about it? What's your "driving me nuts" Christmas song?